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| Funny Horoscopes |
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Smile of the week!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18) Around the office this week, the less you know, the better. Wrap yourself up in a warm, bulletproof blanket of ignorance. Clear your schedule this weekend and unwind the only way an Aquarian knows how: sequestered away from the world, free to revel in your own brilliant company. Maybe you should get out more.
PISCES (FEB 19-MARCH 20) Listening to others is important today. Not their opinions so much as their shouted cries of "Hey, look out!" Leave the iPod at home. At work, an errant email forward piques your curiosity. Turns out that looker three cubicles down totally has the hots for you after all.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) Your brusque handling of the truth makes you the last person friends come to when they need a shoulder to cry on. Suits you fine; crybabies cramp your style anyway. Don't feel pressured to apologize for your lack of decorum. Cutting to the chase saves time in the long run.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) A nasty scrap breaks out at the office this week. Thankfully, you're not involved, and you've got a great view of the action. Elsewhere, catching up with old friends does you a world of good this week. Remember: no matter how far short of your life goals you've fallen, someone else has always fallen shorter.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) Indulging your tortured inner romantic pays off brilliantly when you discover that the awful teenage poems you wrote in high school would make awesome emo anthems today. Geek chic is in, Gemini, and you're sitting on a goldmine.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) Thy heart is thy guide this week, Cancer. Lamentably, thy heart has a lousy sense of direction. Perhaps this explains why you never earned your orienteering badge in Scouts? Hold off on making that major purchase until you've discussed it with a sensible friend. Then get it anyway.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG 22) A chance encounter with someone famous reminds you of what your life is lacking: an entourage. Later, that old habit you gave up for New Year's refuses to go down without a fight. Stay strong, Leo. There are plenty of other nasty vices you can sub in to fill the void.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEPT 22) When placed in an awkward position, your natural defence is to tense up. Things may get out of control this weekend, but a relaxed attitude will see you through with minimum fuss and muss. Stay calm, stay silent and stay limp. Coming quietly and peacefully is grossly underrated.
LIBRA (SEPT 23-OCT 22) Something you've been awaiting for years is finally within sight (note: objects are significantly smaller and crappier than they appear). Be careful around strangers this week. That blunt, in-your-face honesty your friends find so refreshing isn't appreciated by everyone.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21) Your desire to improve your sorry lot in life clashes with The Man's plan to keep you firmly un
der his thumb forevermore. Serfdom isn't really your bag, but getting out from under this millstone you call a job is a tall order. Surreptitiously scour the net when no one's looking.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21) While you'd willingly shell out a few extra bucks were the TTC to introduce an executive class, this is a week in which hangin' with the common rabble is worth the casual groping. Tomorrow, say "hey" to that attractive stranger you're squashed up against.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19) The days aren't easy lately, but with a few well-timed power naps, at least they're short. You prefer prudent investment to wild, feckless spending, which makes you a steady partner and an utterly miserable date. What's the point of saving for the future if you don't enjoy your present?
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